My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
