I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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