so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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