woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
