my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
