i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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