____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I cannot find my penis.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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