shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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