i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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