My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
