You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
