I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
