Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
