you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
