mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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