My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
