she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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