I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
