By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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