if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
