he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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