y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
