don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
i out mim tonsoeep
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