he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
