Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
