Pappa wants mamma naked
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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