So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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