I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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