people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
