She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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