Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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