We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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