She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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