I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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