I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
