i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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