You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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