I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
