Umm I'm too high to move.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
