Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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