I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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