Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
