i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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