kristin has been a bad kristin
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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