Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
