Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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