she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
