Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
