Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
