good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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