he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
